After a third friendship with a female went south I started to question myself.   “What is with me? Do I have an issue with keeping women friends?”  At the time this was distressing and painful.  Then I did an exercise from one of the many awesome books I read (can’t seem to find which one at the moment though).  I made a list of friendships and relationships that didn’t quite work out.  Next to each person I wrote whether I wanted more from them or they wanted more from me.  After the exercise everything made sense!  With each of the three female friends they wanted more than I was able to give.  They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more  ____ (fill in the blank).  Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship!  People want more from us.  

An experience that wrenchingly represents this was when I did an EST-like training for personal growth (yes it was as bad as it sounds : ).  I had a “coming to Jesus” moment with one of the friends I describe above.  So the trainer had us stand in a circle back to back, hook arms and dance together.  My friend dragged me around the room and I was frantically trying to keep up with her yet also wanting to do the dance my way.  When we processed the exercise afterward she enjoyed the dance while I hated every moment and was distraught that she was oblivious to that fact.  What a powerful metaphor for our lives as introverts in an extrovert-oriented culture!

Now I can look back on that experience through the lens of the Intelligent Introvert.  Rather than judge myself or her harshly for the dissolution of this friendship I simply recognize that each of us has different dance steps (which are influenced by our temperaments) that may or may not fit together harmoniously.  When the dance is over we can thank our dance partner and move on!