On September 2nd I wrote When the Dance Steps Collide where I describe a common experience for introverts when in relationship with others where we tend to feel stretched and pulled beyond what is comfortable:

. . . With each of the three female friends – they wanted more than I was able to give.  They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more  ____ (fill in the blank).  Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship!  People want more from us.  

After talking with clients and friends it is clear that this is a dynamic many introverts are navigating daily often leaving them feeling drained, frustrated and guilty. 

One person, we’ll call her Suzy, talked about how she was processing a current challenge the way she always does – internally, by being with herself and mulling it all over.  Meanwhile Suzy’s extroverted friend was urging her to call and share.  Now the introvert not only is working through her suffering but also feels bad that she hasn’t called her friend.  Double whammy!  In this scenario no one is right or wrong, good or bad.  It is simply a matter of different styles.

So what is an introvert to do?  Here are two suggestions:

1) Use the moment to educate your friends, coworkers and loved ones.  Introverts’ energy and focus flows inward thus we process experiences by going inward.  We understand what we are feeling and thinking by going inward.  Extroverts’ energy and focus flows outward thus they process experiences by interacting with others and talking things through.  We are also physiologically wired to preserve our energy so we don’t want as much interaction as extroverts who are physiologically wired toward seeking interaction.  When we understand that our differences are simply the result of our different temperaments we can all breath a little easier!

2) Honor your own style and let go of the guilt trip.  Introverts are so used to bending ourselves into a pretzel to act and be more extroverted that our default is to try and give more and then more and then more.  Remember selling your own style down the river to please others will ultimately bite you in the bum.  So honor your style and others will adjust.