This morning I was listening to an introverted mom describe her experience with her extroverted family: the kids need something from her every moment of every day, right away, with repeated reminders. As she spoke I had an image of her being a dart board and the overwhelming needs and demands of her family as the darts. She often felt depleted and discouraged – berating herself for not navigating the family dynamics more skillfully. Does this sound familiar? How do we work with the different temperamental styles bumping up against one another? Here are some hints from my own experience:
1) It starts with mindset. Remind yourself that your style is equally valid. We don’t need to feel bulldozed nor should we sell ourselves down the river. Honor your style. Hold that mindset while instituting practical steps like the ones below.
2) My daughter Nicki who is almost 5 loves to talk to me basically all the time. After finding myself at work missing a key document or computer cord one too many times – I now say to Nicki a few minutes before we leave the house “Give me one minute without talking so I can concentrate on what I need to bring with me today.”
3) After someone has asked you a question say out loud “give me time to think.” Check out this blog post.
4) Take short breaks. Taking care of yourself is as important as tending to everyone else’s needs. Let the family know you are taking 5, 10, 15 minutes to yourself. Then go for a stroll, in your own room, on the porch or where ever you can have a few minutes to yourself.
I find that if I bank on quite time when my family is not around me, I can definitely respond better when they are and feel good for connecting and learning what they’ve been up to. This is one of the most important things to me, so I try to practice it all the time. Thanks for the great article, Jeanine!
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Great post. And, if you haven’t yet read, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain it is simply a must for introverts! Only $2.99 in Kindle!
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Thanks Kerry for bringing attention to Quiet. It was a life changing book for me too. Read this link to see how (if you want!)
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Reacting/responding to questions and requests can feel draining. Connecting with others, especially one-on-one, is what we introverts do well, and what can feed us. My son is a teenager now, but it is still true, that I can hear his request for another grilled cheese sandwich as an annoyance, or a chance to connect with him. Little ones require a different mind-set, but connecting with them has such potential for surprise and joy, though it can be easier said than done. Not to say we don’t need time alone, not at all. I wonder, though, if others find it can be helpful, joyful, nourishing to turn distraction or interruption into connection.
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Love the wisdom in this advice Robbin. Beautiful!
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It took me a long time to learn the trick – give me a minute to think! I remember my mom (the extrovert) wanting to talk as soon as her feet hit the floor in the morning and me (the introvert) needing time before I could even understand anything. She learned not to talk to me for about an hour if she wanted to have a conversation. This was long before I learned the different styles of personalities. I have gotten better about that as I got older, but still need quiet time.
Love the blog!
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