As a mom of a five year old daughter I hear a common concern among parents of introverted children around their child’s “lack of sociability.”

“She tends to latch onto just one other friend.” 

“He doesn’t interact much with many of the other kids.” 

“We encourage her to play with more kids.”

“He tends to be in his own world.”

I am here to assure these parents that your child is completely “normal” and that s/he may simply be expressing a preferred introverted style.  Introverted kids are physiologically wired towards developing a handful of very close friendships rather than a gaggle of friends that they know more superficially.  The beauty of this tendency is how well it serves us in life.  The ability to develop deep long term friendships offers a life time of support and contributes to positive well-being.  Your kids will thrive!

When we encourage our introverted kids to play with more kids we are measuring them against the extroverted social norm that you “should” have lots of friends and be real sociable.  When we do this we inadvertently give them the message that they are falling short.  That their way is flawed.  We need to protect against this extroverted bias.  Next time you have the urge to push your child into a crowd of kids . . . stop.  Pause.  Remember that this is her style and that it too is a legitimate way to be in the world.  There is no right or wrong, good or bad.  It is just different.  As you support your child’s preference for one or two close friends you both will be nourished by the intimacy and joy of those connections.