Though I am warm and affectionate I tend to hold my challenging feelings close and do not express them overtly.  I rarely cry.  I used to worry about this and wonder if I was cold or repressed.  Yet through this introvert awakening I understand my lack of tears in a new light.  As introverts we process our feelings internally.  This is simply how our brains are wired.  And “letting it all hang out” goes against this internal way of being.

Comfortable crying in private . . .

Years ago I participated in a personal growth intensive designed to help us break through our emotional barriers.  We were pushed and pulled to face the demons of the past and remove the obstacles currently in our lives.  People broke down right and left.  For me this “dramatic” behavior was like fingernails down a chalkboard.  And true to form – my release happened one day after a group accidentally forgot to wait for me and I was left to eat lunch alone.  Remember the blog post on feeling overlooked?  Needless to say I found a private space where I was certain no one would find me and privately let the tears fall.

When we do cry in front of others . . .

I’ve found that most people – independent of temperament – are uncomfortable with other people’s tears.  We tend to go into action versus hold the sacred space for the expression of the grief, sadness, loss.  The most common response is to get a tissue.  While well intentioned, when we interrupt the flow of feelings by focusing on this action – it becomes about us and our helping behavior – versus about the person in the throes of emotion.  I’ve also seen people try to cajole someone out of their feelings or run over the tears with lots of questions and commentary.  What a missed opportunity to create intimacy and these actions ultimately feel discordant.

Don’t do anything.  Just sit there . . .

If I am feeling something intensely enough that I am letting it go in front of you – let me feel it.  Do not focus on what you should or could do.  Instead hold the sacred space.  Be quiet, listen, offer empathy “this is painful for you“.

Offering emotional safety is about being deeply present with someone and is an enormous gift.  Try offering someone this gift next time you see their tears.