This morning I was listening to an introverted mom describe her experience with her extroverted family: the kids need something from her every moment of every day, right away, with repeated reminders. As she spoke I had an image of her being a dart board and the overwhelming needs and demands of her family as the darts. She often felt depleted and discouraged – berating herself for not navigating the family dynamics more skillfully. Does this sound familiar? How do we work with the different temperamental styles bumping up against one another? Continue reading
how introverts interact
Introverts in relationship: When people want more from us
On September 2nd I wrote When the Dance Steps Collide where I describe a common experience for introverts when in relationship with others where we tend to feel stretched and pulled beyond what is comfortable:
. . . With each of the three female friends – they wanted more than I was able to give. They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more ____ (fill in the blank). Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship! People want more from us.
After talking with clients and friends it is clear that this is a dynamic many introverts are navigating daily often leaving them feeling drained, frustrated and guilty. Continue reading
When the dance steps collide
After a third friendship with a female went south I started to question myself. “What is with me? Do I have an issue with keeping women friends?” At the time this was distressing and painful. Then I did an exercise from one of the many awesome books I read (can’t seem to find which one at the moment though). I made a list of friendships and relationships that didn’t quite work out. Next to each person I wrote whether I wanted more from them or they wanted more from me. After the exercise everything made sense! With each of the three female friends they wanted more than I was able to give. They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more ____ (fill in the blank). Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship! People want more from us.
When playing tennis play your side of the net
A key distinction between introverts and extroverts is that introverts’ energy and attention tends to focus inward and extroverts’ energy and attention tends to focus outward. How does this play out in relationships? Extroverts are more likely to put the responsibility for problems and issues onto external conditions and other people (outward focus) and introverts are more likely to take the responsibility on (inward focus). So the result often is that introverts are blamed and take the blame – while extroverts point the finger. Hmm . . . dangerous dynamic for both introverts and extroverts! Of course these are “tendencies” and there are many examples when this is NOT the case. Yet the trend in this direction exists.
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How we interact with others
According to my PIES Approach, the second distinction between introverts and extroverts is our preferences for interacting with others.
Both introverts and extroverts enjoy people yet differ on the “who” and “how”. Introverts enjoy smaller groups and one-on-one conversation. We much prefer to spend time with people we already know and are comfortable with. When we go to events or meetings we will gravitate towards the people with which we have already built a connection. Extroverts are more inclined to welcome the newcomer and approach people they don’t know. Introverts are not keen on small talk and strive for meaningful conversation. We tend to listen more in the conversation than speak (unless you get us on a roll about a new idea we are excited about and we can talk your ear off). Introverts often prefer to stay home with a good book or with a partner rather than attend a large party or event. This is our version of fun!