relationships

Introverts in relationship: When people want more from us

/ jeaninecogan / 1 Comment

On September 2nd I wrote When the Dance Steps Collide where I describe a common experience for introverts when in relationship with others where we tend to feel stretched and pulled beyond what is comfortable:

. . . With each of the three female friends – they wanted more than I was able to give.  They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more  ____ (fill in the blank).  Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship!  People want more from us.  

After talking with clients and friends it is clear that this is a dynamic many introverts are navigating daily often leaving them feeling drained, frustrated and guilty.  Continue reading →

When the dance steps collide

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After a third friendship with a female went south I started to question myself.   “What is with me? Do I have an issue with keeping women friends?”  At the time this was distressing and painful.  Then I did an exercise from one of the many awesome books I read (can’t seem to find which one at the moment though).  I made a list of friendships and relationships that didn’t quite work out.  Next to each person I wrote whether I wanted more from them or they wanted more from me.  After the exercise everything made sense!  With each of the three female friends they wanted more than I was able to give.  They ended up frustrated with me that I wasn’t more available, more engaged, more self-disclosing, more  ____ (fill in the blank).  Turns out – this is typical for introverts in relationship!  People want more from us.  

Continue reading →

Saying no can save your career

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Dear fellow Intelligent Introverts – looking at this article I wrote for the Washington Post in 2010 I thought it would be great to share with this group. So here you are. Enjoy! 

Saying no can save your career

In 2004, my friend Mavis and I were sitting in a local cafe and I was talking about a new job my boss had offered me. The project I had been working on was complete and I planned on starting my own coaching business.  Mavis was listening as I described with dread what it meant for me to take this job. It would rob me of the independence I so longed for, kill my enthusiasm and lust for learning, sap my time and energy, keep me from my dreams … Mavis interrupted my litany with a simple statement that stopped me in my tracks.

“You know Jeanine, you can say no.”   Read more

“Just a minute . . . I am thinking.”

/ jeaninecogan / 1 Comment

So here is another classic relationship dynamic.  Extrovert is talking to introvert – proposing a new idea, presenting information, asking for something.  Introvert is taking it in – processing the information.  Extrovert waits a moment or two then is exasperated that introvert hasn’t responded.  S/he may feel dissed and says something to that effect.  Introvert is flummoxed (internally of course) because s/he is simply thinking and needs time to think.  Introvert now feels defensive or misunderstood.  Sound familiar?

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When playing tennis play your side of the net

/ jeaninecogan / 1 Comment

A key distinction between introverts and extroverts is that introverts’ energy and attention tends to focus inward and extroverts’ energy and attention tends to focus outward. How does this play out in relationships? Extroverts are more likely to put the responsibility for problems and issues onto external conditions and other people (outward focus) and introverts are more likely to take the responsibility on (inward focus). So the result often is that introverts are blamed and take the blame – while extroverts point the finger.  Hmm . . . dangerous dynamic for both introverts and extroverts!  Of course these are “tendencies” and there are many examples when this is NOT the case. Yet the trend in this direction exists.
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