A sales rep from YourTango, we’ll call her Lisa, found me online and convinced me what an asset I’d be to their list of experts (yes I fell prey to this sales tactic). As an introvert herself my voice really resonated with Lisa. In our conversations she told me how she and her husband spent their honeymoon. They went to Las Vegas. “An introvert’s nightmare!” I exclaimed. And indeed it was.
Lisa described walking through the casinos feeling as if every cell of her body was under siege. She retired to her hotel room early in the evening with a splitting headache. Talk about overstimulating! Remember as introverts our brains release a healthy amount of dopamine allowing us to be optimally stimulated doing everyday things like sitting in a coffee shop or going for a walk. Imagine what happens walking into a casino? All the lights, bells ringing, voices, music, coins clanging. Busy. Frenetic. Energy draining out of the body like air out of a balloon.
Lisa preferred a hiking vacation. How then did this honeymoon plan get chosen? Lisa hemmed and hawed a bit explaining that they would do her ideal vacation sometime soon, hopefully. While I am confident Lisa will indeed create that vacation with her husband I am struck by how often I hear this theme. How often do we do what an extroverted partner wants to and sell our preferences down the river? Of course in an extrovert oriented culture extrovert definitions of fun dictate what is considered fun. Therefore it becomes even more imperative that we assert our own preferences. Also introverts are more likely to push our needs and desires in relationship underground. So while we have good intentions to assert ourselves, in the final moments of negotiation we maybe likely to say “okay we can go to Las Vegas.” Protect yourself against this tendency by recognizing it, thinking through your desires ahead of time and making a commitment to honor your preferences too.
With Valentine’s Day around the corner we can practice this. Whether you are dating, in a relationship or otherwise creating a plan for celebrating those you love in your life – honor your style. What would feel good for you? How can you bring that into your plan? Rather than approaching it as an either/or think of it as both/and. What this means is – if you have extroverts in your group what can you create that honors their preferences and doesn’t offend yours? Then what can you create that honors your preferences and doesn’t bore them for too long? A good example for me would be taking a hike on Saturday and then going to a show or other engaging event in the evening. How about you?